Maybe consider having a (healthy) parasocial relationship.

HOT TAKES

In this series of blog posts, I discuss some ‘hot takes’- a mixed bag of personal opinions and random musings that I sometimes think about in passing. The aim is not to convince anyone, but rather have a conversation about something that I feel is maybe not a socially popular opinion.

I think that as as society, we have had a slightly judgmental outlook towards having parasocial relationships. Smart people do not obsess about objects or celebrities. At least, that is what I have felt or heard. I think we immediately tend to judge people who engage in online fandoms or have been super-fans of artists and celebrities for a long time. I catch myself unknowingly believing this too- I occasionally restrict myself from talking too much about my favorite F1 driver of the season, or telling my friends about what a Beyoncé or an Antoni is doing next- and I’ve been wondering why that is. I think that a part of it is simply because of a sense of feeling judgment, or even a sense of taking too much control over a conversation- after all, I do not want to be the one talking about something only I care about.

However, I think that a parasocial relationship might actually be a very healthy and natural extension of oneself into the society around them, and we should celebrate that. Of course there are boundaries- but there are boundaries with everything.

For starters, I think these relationships open up a world of learning and curiosity. Knowing about a third person’s life and history can be a gateway to a world that you do not normally have access to. For me, when I first heard some of Beyoncé’s music, for example (here we go again), it helped me understand the complexity and trauma of the modern Black experience in America. I was probably 15 or 16 back when I first heard Lemonade, and that too in India- and had no idea, for example, about the impact of Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, and the subsequent mismanagement highlighting a larger pattern of systemic racism that prevailed in this country. It was through her music, and following the direction of her work and history that allowed me to gain so much more perspective and awareness that I think was critical to be a responsible and better informed resident in America.

These relationships can also serve as a bridge to your past and shape your future. I know that sounds a bit dramatic, so let me explain. For example, I think I have had a parasocial relationship with V.S. Gaitonde, one of the most celebrated contemporary modern artists in India. When I first saw his work, I was only 14. You might have seen his large blue canvasses, someone I think can best be explained to the Western world as India’s own Rothko. You feel a sense of helplessness and awe when you see his work in person. He often sketches seascapes from the various roads in Mumbai, or explores vantage points from rural Maharashtra. As someone who is also from Nagpur and has lived in Mumbai, I felt a deep sense of connection and relatability with his work. His work helped me realize how important it was for me to stay connected with that world. It made me realize that the value of rootedness is important to me, and that I need to shape my life eventually such that it aligns with those roots. Since 14, I think I have had such a strong connection with my homeland partly because of his work. This very much shapes my present and my future self as I look for ways to connect myself back to that world, and remind myself of my own heritage.

Gaitonde, reminds me of a view from Marine Drive

These relationships can be a source of unconscious creativity too. One of my friends told me about her curiosity around the artist Peter Hajur, a photographer who unfortunately only got famous after his death. Known mostly for his black-and-white photographs, he had this unique way of depicting the mundane in his work like no other. While he led a very difficult and painful life, his photography provided my friend an access to a world that she previously felt very alone in. “I feel so much more empowered to be a photographer, and I choose to take pictures of random things in my life even though I do not publicize them.” For her, photography is probably not going to be her full-time profession, but a way to express herself for herself- a private space of introspection that she feels safe and very fulfilled in. She knows the in-and-outs of Hujar’s life, and how various phases of his life translated to his work. She claims that it’s helped her in her own journey, and the tool of photography has been like her journal through it all. “Photography has made me compartmentalize my work and my life, and I feel deeply grateful for Hujar for making me realize that we all struggle, and that we all need a way to let our steam out".

Hujar, one of his most famous photographs

The concept of an ‘ideal self’- a person you would want to be, a person you would yourself admire and feel satisfied with, is crucial. It is equally crucial to make constant and consistent progress towards that ideal self. This could be as simple as making the decision to pursue that masters or be more vulnerable with a friend. Most of us might not have an explicit ‘ideal’ version that they aspire to become, but it instead ends up being an organic and unconscious exercise that we develop over time. It is within the smaller conversations we have with the people around us that make us realize what our aspirations are, and what we want from life.

A lot of people gain movement towards this ideal self exclusively through real relationships - via interactions with people that help them decide their next step towards that ideal. Unfortunately, most people today (especially men), either do not have the quality/quantity of real relationships that foster this, or the emotional ability to express and truly make shape of their aspirations. Not being able to make any progress towards this ideal self can lead to a significant dip in self-esteem, mood, and confidence. A lot of research has gone into exploring the extremely positive effect parasocial relationships have on people with lower self-esteem. In these studies, participants feel a strong sense of community and safety when they learn more about celebrities who are living lives that they would feel closest to in terms of their future ideal self. The participants develop a subconscious positive role model - someone they aspire to be. It gave participants this confident ability to think, if they can do it, so can I.

Furthermore, while a lot of people have positive role models in their lives, it is not necessary that they have a role model figure in every regard. Role models are important- they are fierce and real representations of a community or ideal, and they provide a great sense of mentorship and even comfort. In many cases, they can literally be a flashlight in the dark- like for people in the queer community, who often have no one to look up to, and are too afraid to come out to people they love. The typical representation of the queer experience does not guarantee a mentor for everyone, and while we have made progress, not everyone fits in the dimensions that popular media has created. For a majority of the queer community, feelings of isolation and disconnectedness are commonplace. Identifying a queer ‘mentor’ through these kinds of relationships can be key, as they can be that implicit someone that helps bring the vision of their ideal self closer to reality- with the same vision of if they could make it, so could I. And while it is obvious that two people cannot lead the same lives, it is very possible that one person can learn from another’s experiences and feel less alone in their own experience.

These connections subsequently create communities. I was talking to an older family friend the other day who spends a lot of time reading about Ryan Gosling - she knows where he’s been around, what his new phone cover looks like, what he’s wearing- and it sparked an interest in me to probe more. “I have a crush on him”, she giggled, “it helps me forget my heartbreak. I lost my husband a couple years ago, and I’ve lost the energy, at least for now, to invest in deeper real-life relationships. I love knowing the little details, and I do this while respecting his privacy as much as I can, because it makes me feel connected to something larger and also makes me want to have more fun.” With the psychological impact that grief and loss cause, parasocial relationships (in healthy doses) can provide a very stable, supportive, and comfortable space to express that longing and desire for love and companionship to many. But what she finds even more fulfilling, she says, “is the community that he provides me”. Quite tech-savvy for her age, she’s been part of multiple Reddit-based fandoms, where the objective is not to necessarily stalk or be creepy about the actor, but to be respectful and share the experience. At this point, I don’t even think she even cares about what Gosling is wearing— she cares about the friends she’s made through this experience, and the online strangers she’s befriended over the years - tangible relationships that have come out of the parasocial one. 

For many people, these relationships provide access to improved personal lives too. This often happens with fictional characters. People who have not had an example of a healthy, loving relationship or have no idea of what a secure romantic partner looks like, can find great solace and intimacy in these seemingly imaginary relationships. There is no space for rejection - it is not even a two-way street. There is only acceptance, and complete surrender in the character you are devoted to. You can study your favorite character for as long as you want- and even pick up a few things from their personality along the way. This study talks a bit more about the connection between adult attachment and this engagement, and what I found fascinating was that with increased access to content like never before, the importance of choosing the right parasocial relationship has become more critical. Choosing a wrong character, or becoming unhealthily attached with a celebrity’s life to the point of stalking and wasting one’s time is obviously dangerous, and self-damaging.

One thing to note here is that these relationships are arguably also important for the celebrity and the entertainment business. Access to a celebrity has also increased significantly, but this is often a planned move. After all, these relationships benefit the artist- it is an excellent opportunity to keep viewers hooked and engaged- no matter what the artist may have done in their personal lives. 

I hope that this discussion highlights the variety and richness that parasocial relationships provide, and I hope that you are able to better empathize with, and maybe even appreciate someone’s parasocial relationships. While you do not need to have one to grow, keep in mind that the luxury of having accessible mentors and support networks is not commonplace!

NEXT IN HOT TAKES It is a privilege to have the ability to debate.

References:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8419286/https://time.com/6294226/parasocial-relationships-benefits/

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2008.00197.x https://thebishopstower.com/5332/culture/friend-or-fiction/

The Peter Hujar Archives 

V..S Gaitonde 

Thank you to the friends and family who listen.